everything's gonna be alright

dark room full of people, and lights flashing on the walls, the ceiling, people's faces. everyone is laughing, singing, dancing along with the music but i can't seem to say anything. so i stand awkwardly, too far away from you. i don't speak, you don't speak and we wait in silence until i am dragged away. i'm scared to make the first move, but scared that you won't, and i wish i could know what you're thinking.

how is it that you can be disappointed even if you have very low expectations?

but then i turn, you smile, you speak, we dance, we talk, we laugh, we hug, and when you walk away, i'm still smiling.

my first kiss

so why the fetch is this underlined huh? huh? does anyone know why? jerk!

well once upon a time there was this girl who had a blog. and she felt kind of bad because she never posted ever ever ever. so she decided to post even though she had nothing to say and no one probably read her blog anyways.

so here's my post.

time is pretty weird, don't you think? when you're little it takes forever. an hour took forever, a week was a lifetime, and anything longer than that... but the older i get, the faster time goes.

especially when i don't want it to.

like christmas break. i was pretty dang excited cuz it's a pretty long break, but now it's almost over. it kind of sucks.

everytime it rains

charlotte martin

and i have a disgusting amount of homework that i need to do too.

"Always do what you are afraid to do."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Only One

Oh my goodness gracious it's Christmas break! And oh my goodness gracious Christmas is in 6 days! And oh my goodness gracious it doesn't feel anything like Christmas! I haven't bought a single Christmas gift (actually that's a lie. I bought one. And one white elephant gift.), I haven't watched any Christmas movies (actually that's a lie too. I watched two. And a half. But the half doesn't really count since I watched it in November.), and I have a mountain of homework instead of a mountain of snow.

(I just remembered, I also made one Christmas present. but I didn't pay for it, my mutti did.)

You see, here's my problem: I missed a bunch of school right before Christmas break so now it's a mad dash to get all of my make up work done on top of my for reals homework.

I read something once... And the author was wondering if maybe she was the only one in the world, and everything that has ever existed exists to somehow influence her life and what if all of the six billion people on the planet are just make believe unless she has some sort of connection with them, but she was the only real livingfeelingthinkingbreathing person out there. And she felt lonely. Because it's lonely to be the only one.

I have never thought this.

I think things like: There are six billion people out there carrying on with their lives and suffering and bleeding and hurting and loving and laughing and crying and talking about trivial things and winning the lottery and dropping pennies and wishing and wanting and hoping and dreaming and getting married and having babies and growing old and celebrating and smiling and singing and laughing and playing and dancing and not dancing or singing because as sad as it is there are people out there who don't do these things and wearing weird clothes and some wearing perfectly normal clothes and even remarkably stylish clothes and they're working and going to school and sleeping and eating and thinking and feeling and breathing and they have no idea that some 15 year old girl in Utah is wondering what their names are and who they are and what they're feeling. In fact, they are entirely oblivious to the fact that I even exist. I'm just part of that six billion.

Doesn't that make you feel so small and insignificant?

But then I also think that they all love and want to be loved, and everyone has the same basic needs and desires and I imagine them living their everyday lives that aren't that different from mine and I feel very close and connected to every single person on this planet, even though I don't know more than a very small handfull of people.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one out there, aren't you?

I'm not very good at giving up.

Not about things I care about anyways. I say I'm giving up. And I pretend to give up. But in the dark, to myself, I have a hard time letting go of things sometimes.

Because I'm crazy? Yeah.

Because I'm setting myself up for more disappointment? Yeah.

Because it would be a stupid thing to do? Yeah. I'm good at doing those stupid things sometimes.

Because I'm a secretly a dreamer? Yeah.

Because I might still believe in fairytales? Maybe.

Because I still want a fairytale. Definitely.

Here's a song for you.

DREAMER

Kari Kimmel

Why can't we be friends?

Do you wanna know what I just don't get? Why can't everyone just get along? Why can't we just be kind and friendly and loving to everyone? Why do people have to be so dang judgemental and intolerant? I just don't get it! Really I know some people who are just champion at this whole stereotyping thing. They seem to think that they can tell everything about someone by their appearance: their personality, values, thoughts, dreams, wishes, ambitions, or lack thereof. And man, if your appearance doesn't measure up, you lose all credit in their eyes. If your clothes are ugly, if your hair is weird, if you wear too much makeup or not enough makeup or are too tall or too short or too nerdy or too good at sports or in any way, shape, or form different, people judge you. If you have different beliefs or were raised differently, people judge you. Label you. Stereotype you.

Really people, let's just be friends.

It was a bit awkward.

I want a record player. Really really bad. And how about a typewriter too.

Um, can someone teach me to do my hair like this? Because I love it. I tried it once but it didn't quite work out.

I am so tired, you guys. It's not even funny (well maybe it is... yes it is, it's quite ridiculous actually). I skipped first period today because I was too busy sleeping. I used to do that all the time last year, but I actually have to be in class this year. Sometimes I just need a break though. Sometimes I'm tired of being strong and doing what I'm supposed to. So I don't.

Sometimes I get tired of being brave too, but I'm not quite there yet. I'll let you know when that happens and then you can hear all about my deepest darkest fears.

Speaking of fears: I have a deep emotional fear of the library at Lone Peak. I'm not sure what it is, I just am scared of it. I mean, I'm a big fan of libraries in general. I love books, and I love libraries because it's basically just a room full of books. I'm just scared of this particular library.

Well anyways, I had to go in the library at Lone Peak today because I needed the librarian to sign a form so that I could get a BYU library card, which she did. After she signed it, she asked me what the topic was that I couldn't find books for and I told her (it's the history of the American Medical Assosiation by the way). She told me that they had a book for that, and offered to show me where it was. Not knowing how to tell her that I didn't want the book, I followed her over to the book shelf. She pulled a massive medical encyclopedia off of the shelf and dumped it in my arms, then told me that I couldn't check it out, and that I would have to read it there. Well I didn't even want the book in the first place so I just kind of set it awkwardly back on the shelf and walked towards the exit to make my speedy getaway.

Unfortunately, I was walking towards the emergency only exit and had to turn around, walk back past the librarian, and exit through the other door.

It was awkward.

(speaking of awkward, that's actually one of the few things I know how to say in sign language)

Lots of love,
Dani

I found a new favorite smell.
Or should I say rediscovered?
I've always maintained that the smell of a
summer rainstorm
on the hot, dry pavement
is the best smell out there,
but now I'm not so sure
because the smell of a
Christmas tree
comes pretty dang close.

So I just have a question for you to ponder: Why is it that you can put question marks in labels, but not exclamation points?

I mean really why? Is it because they don't want you to use up your six exclamation points to quickly?

I have a friend that was asked to the Christmas dance. She used all six exclamation points when she was texting me about it.

post script: if you don't know about the six exclamation points ask Ms. Woolsey.

So guess what?

Remember how my old studio does the nutcracker every year? And remember how I always wanted to be the ballerina doll in the party scene? Oh you don't remember that? Well now you know.

Anyways, this year my company is doing a ballet number in our Christmas show (which is mostly just a combo show, with the companies showing off for the combo moms and bragging about how good their cute little combo kids can become if they stay in combo class and keep paying a million dollars for one hour a week), and guess what dance it happens to be? That's right, the doll scene from the Nutcracker. And guess what else? Yep that's right! Dani gets to be the ballerina doll! I'm so excited!

I have a blog? What?

So you know what just drives me crazy? When I go to someone's blog and they haven't posted anything new. Which, you know, is very hypocritical because I don't actually post on my blog all that often. So I decided to post today. (like really post, not just put a quote or song or something on here...)

How am I you ask? Oh just the same as always. I'm completely exhausted (I fell asleep in physics yesterday), I have a enormous, overwhelming stack of homework to do, my room is a wreck but I'm to busy/tired/lazy to clean it, I wore an ugly sweater on monday, I haven't brushed my hair for 2 days, and we have no macaroni and cheese (Really? What am I even supposed to eat if we have no macaroni and cheese?).

I'm pretty peachy.

I passed a math test today! Are you proud of me? I'm pretty sure I passed anyways, I knew how to do at least 90% of the problems which is more than I was expecting.

Feel free to applaud. Or bring me cookies or something.

Oh just kidding, I don't expect you to bring me cookies! But you can, you know, if you really want to...

Ooh, ooh, guess what, guess what? We got our Christmas tree! And it smells so good!!! It's not blue this year though... For those of you who don't know, last year we had a blue Christmas tree, no lie! It was a real tree too, not a fake one - a blue spruce. I called it our Utah tree because the blue spruce is Utah's state tree or something like that... Oh gosh I love Christmas so much!

I doo-oo-oo! (That was Regina Spektor, for those of you who can't hear me singing...)

You know what, why don't you take some pictures before you go?

Merry Christmas (in 24 days)! Be happy!

Untitled

The last Campbell's tomato soup can
of the twentieth century is going to
the Andy Warhol Museum in Pittsburgh
That is an example of a sentence
Another is this from a CEO in Fortune
"You die in either case, but this way you get
to do it proactively," where the adverb
makes the sentence I'm walking amid
the tourists on Bleecker Street the riffraff
the students with backpacks the bums and
a good old-fashioned New York feeling
hits me from head to toe a misanthropic snarl
the urge to kick a stranger in the pants,
and if you don't smoke you feel as if you do

-David Lehman

"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequitted love"
-Charlie Brown

unbeing dead isn't being alive
-e.e. cummings

Hi.

You know what really bothers me? When people don't say hi. Or they don't even have to say hi, but they could at least acknowledge your presence. Just a smile. Eye contact. Let you know that they know you're there. That you aren't invisible.

Like today, I was walking to my computer tech class when I walked past a girl I know. I wouldn't really say we're friends, but I know her name, and she knows mine. We've had a few classes and conversations together. As I walked past I looked at her and smiled, but instead of smiling back she looked away. Sad.

But then I passed someone else I know as I walked into the classroom and he smiled. And waved. And said "Hi Dani."

I love it when that happens.

Go to google.com

Type "Who's the cutest?" into the search box.

Click the "I'm feeling lucky" button.

Smile!

Grrrrrrrrr...

2.It's raining today.

3.I have the worlds ugliest hair.

4.I left my iPod at home.

5.That's okay it doesn't have the song I want anyway.

6.Apparently I'm a big fan of making lists when I can't think of anything to say.

7.That's because when I make lists I can do my 2nd of all crap.

8.Which makes me happy.

9.Because he makes me happy.

10.Now go hug someone.

Pah!!!

(here's some sound effects... in case you didn't know that)

Oh gosh! Ohgoshohgoshohgosh! Remember how he texted me last night? Do ya? Of course you don't cuz I haven't told you yet! But now I'm telling you. He texted me last night. And I died of happiness.

I really like this picture. Just in case you were wondering about that, I do.

I doo-oo-oo. (that last part was regina spektor. since you can't hear me singing in a blog post.)

Now go hug someone.

Fact. I was secretly disappointed when I turned 11 and never got a Hogwarts acceptance letter.

Fact. Sometimes I throw temper tantrums. But only to myself.

Fact. This is my 4th attempt to post on this blog today.

Fact. I can't think of what to say.

Fact. I don't like cottage cheese.

Fact. I don't like it when my bedroom door is open.

Fact. I made a new(well sorta) friend(well kinda) today. Actually and old friend(kinda) that I haven't talked to in years. And we just sort of talked to each other.
Here take a picture. I thought it was pretty.

Once we decorated the Feilbach's driveway with chalk once. I wrote everyone's names all big and beautiful and Brenna drew a magic unicorn with a very long rainbow tail that wrapped around everyones names. It was one of the best things I've ever done. I kind of adore sidewalk chalk.

(p.s. i also wrote his name really tiny in the corner... in yellow)

Gray or Blue

I feel so helpless now, my guitar is not around
And I'm strugglin with the xylophone to make these feelings sound
And I'm remembering you singing and bringing you to life
It's raining out the window and today it looks like night

You haven't written to me in a week I'm wondering why that is
Are you too nervous to be lovers, friendships ruined with just one kiss
I watched you very closely I saw you look away
Your eyes are either gray or blue I'm never close enough to say

But your sweatshirt says it all with the hood over your face
I can't keep staring at your mouth without wondering how it tastes
I'm with another boy; he's asleep, I'm wide awake
And he tried to win my heart, but it's taken time

I know the shape of your hands because I watch them when you talk
And I know the shape of your body 'cause I watch it when you walk
And I want to know it all but im giving you the lead
So go on, go on and take it, don't fake it, shake it

Don't second guess your feelings you were right form the start
And I notice she's your lover, but she's nowhere near your heart
This city is for strangers, like the sky is for the stars
But I think it's very dangerous if we do not take whats ours

I'm winning you with words because I have no other way
I want to look into your face without your eyes turnin away
Last night I watched you sing because a person has to try
And I walked home in the rain because a person cannot lie

Take a look at the total!

We went to coldstone, he and I. And plenty of other people... But we still went to coldstone and it was lovely.

Quote(s) of the Day

"For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been'."

- John Greenleaf Whittier

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love; but then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love; to be happy then is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy; therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."

- Love and Death

So guess what? Guess what I did? Why aren't you guessing huh? huh? huh? Oh okay fine I'll just tell you...

I went driving a lot! And I didn't even kill anybody or anything like that!

It was great!

Oh gosh I miss my dearest kumquats so much! Actually only B-shizzle and Marisa-ito are gone, but I miss them very muchly! I never used to miss people that much when they were gone or when I was gone from them, but now I do. Now I miss people every minute of everyday of my life. I miss people that I see everyday that I really have no right to miss them cuz I just saw them but I miss them anyway (did that make any sense at all or are you just as lost as I am?), I miss people that I never see that I wish I saw everyday, I miss people that I used to know a long time ago that I haven't seen for a very long time, I miss people that I don't even know yet!

It's rough missing people...

But one good thing about missing people is that you love them more when you're with them ya know? You try to make the most of every second with them so that you won't regret anything when they leave again. Or when you leave again. Or you both leave.

The problem is that sometimes it doesn't quite work out and you feel worse when you leave then you did when you were originally missing them...

Shall we?

It's finally fall break! Shall we celebrate? All right, we shall.

Except we have a problem...

Everyone is on vacation! Have you ever tried to have a party by yourself? Because no one else can come? Well let me just tell you, it's somehow not quite as enjoyable as having a party with fer reals people. So do you know how I spent my first day of fall break? I had a party with some of my bestest friends: my pillow, my comforter, and the fourth Harry Potter book.

Not to mention the healthy snacks I have left over from Nexus since I'm out of candy.

But you know, it was still a good day. I got caught up on my relaxing and sleeping and being lazy and not doing anything useful. I was a bit behind on all of those things.

You wanna know what I decided? I'm ready for a little bit of cold. For a little bit of sweaters and hoodies and layers and boots and hot chocolate and fireplaces and slippers. For a little bit of cozy.
See what I mean? It looks delicious doesn't it?

Here's To You

Her name was Kelsy and she cared. Se cared enough to stop, to ask. She cared enough to take time away from her own drama, from her own problems, from her own stress and tears and heartache. She cared enough to help a stranger. To talk to a girl she didn't know, that she had never seen before. She lit up the day and touched the heart of the stranger and all who saw her kind deed.

Here's to you Kelsy.

Here. Take a gumball. Or lots of them. They made me smile.

Guess what I learned today? and the day before? and the day before that? and just about everyday that I have access to a computer? (which is almost everyday in case you were wondering)

Checking everybody's blogs every 10 minutes doesn't make them post more often.

It would be really nice if it did, but it doesn't. It's kind of pathetic how addicting blogging is ya know? It's like chocolate. Or swedish fish. Or Reese's peanut butter cups.

It's delicious.

Quote of the Day

"You have to always give 110%! Life's too short to do anything else."

-John from Nexus

Don't Forget

Do you remember when the world was magic? Do you remember when every fantasy and fairytale was as real as the sun rising and my late math assignments? Do you remember when every story had a happy ending? Do you remember when the villain was always the villain and the hero was always the hero? Do you remember when the knight in shining armor always rescued the princess and he was always wonderful and she always deserved him? And you always got to be that princess because you had the world's biggest imagination and the dress up trunk to match? Do you remember when you were the greatest person on earth and you knew it? Do you remember when you could do anything? Do you remember?

Please don't forget.

2nd of All

I miss you. And I want to talk to you.

3rd: I need more iTunes giftcards

4th: I smiled a lot today

5th: And I laughed

6th: And we're having a carmel-apple-making-Letters-to-Juliet-ice-cream-eating party tonight

7th: So I'm really doing okay, you know?

Problem-ito

Are you excited? Are you excited for me to tell you about my wonderful fabulous story? Are you ready for me to announce something completely life-shattering and inspiring? Are you ready to read an incredible riviting story that you won't be able to tear your eyes away from?

Yep me too. I'll let you know when that happens alright?

Well my friends, here's my problemo (problem-ito)... I-ito have-ito no-ito story-itos. Cuz he doesn't go to my school. Which is a problem-ito.

And how can I have a blog-ito with no story-itos?

Well I might just possibly have one little story. Almost a story. Not quite a story but still something to tell. And it doesn't have to do with him either. It has to do with his sister. And Breh-TOHN. And prom. And Breh-TOHN maybe possibly wanting to be asking her to prom. Ya know... when prom rolls around... And Dani being happy about it.

Very-ito very-it happy-ito :)!

Cuz honestly, they would just be so stinkin' cute together! Ya know what I'm saying? They're just so adorable! And she's so adorable! It's great! Oh I just love love.

Love-ito y'all-ito!
-Dani

(p.s. While we're on the subject... No-ito you-ito can-ito not-ito have-ito my-ito burrito-ito! What-ito do-ito you-ito take-ito me-ito for-ito an-ito idiot-ito?)

Let's start over shall we?

Well it would seem that I'm trying this whole blogging thing again... Maybe I'll be a bit more successful this time :)