How old is your soul?

I've been thinking a lot lately, but I'm not sure how to get those thoughts to come down from my brain and out through my mouth or my fingers.  I hear things and read things and see things that make me feel things that make me think things, but none of those things ever seem to come together in just the right way.

But maybe they don't have to fit perfectly.

I've been thinking about love.  I've been thinking about how you can love someone, but one day you can turn around and discover that you don't really love them at all anymore.  Or how sometimes you love someone, but that doesn't mean you want them around all the time.  Or how other times you love someone so much that you don't care what they do.

You just love them.

I've been thinking about wishing.  I've been thinking about wishing so bad for something that never happens.  I've been thinking about dreams that are never realized, but also about dreams that are.  I've been thinking about prayers that are answered.

I've been thinking about growing.  I've been thinking about how we never stop growing, and how I hope we're growing more understanding, more confident, and more compassionate, rather than more judgmental, more insecure, and more uncaring.

I've been thinking about fear.  I've been thinking about all of the things that I swore I wouldn't be afraid of anymore, and realizing that no matter how hard I try, I'll still be afraid.

I've been thinking about how that's okay, because after all, I'm only human.

I've been thinking about symbols, motifs, and themes, but I've also been thinking about derivatives and how the sine of pi/2 is one.

I've been thinking about how I've spent so much time thinking that I haven't had much time to do anything else.

It's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off.

This is the first blog post of the year.

It comes after the first sunday dinner, after the first hug and after the first slow dance, but before the first journal entry, before the first cry and before the end of the world.

I feel like I should have more to say but I guess I don't.


New years resolution: I will do better in school, because we all need to do better in school.

New years resolution: I will make new friends.

New years resolution: I will not be afraid.

happy new year love.

i spent most of the morning like this: awake, but unwilling to get up. a new year opened among friends, and drawn in with much shouting and laughter, confetti and balloons. a new year bringing new hopes and fears and second chances.

and after the celebration ended, the night ended with heart to heart conversations and piano softly speaking and guitar whispering back.

It was a bit awkward.

I want a record player. Really really bad. And how about a typewriter too.

Um, can someone teach me to do my hair like this? Because I love it. I tried it once but it didn't quite work out.

I am so tired, you guys. It's not even funny (well maybe it is... yes it is, it's quite ridiculous actually). I skipped first period today because I was too busy sleeping. I used to do that all the time last year, but I actually have to be in class this year. Sometimes I just need a break though. Sometimes I'm tired of being strong and doing what I'm supposed to. So I don't.

Sometimes I get tired of being brave too, but I'm not quite there yet. I'll let you know when that happens and then you can hear all about my deepest darkest fears.

Speaking of fears: I have a deep emotional fear of the library at Lone Peak. I'm not sure what it is, I just am scared of it. I mean, I'm a big fan of libraries in general. I love books, and I love libraries because it's basically just a room full of books. I'm just scared of this particular library.

Well anyways, I had to go in the library at Lone Peak today because I needed the librarian to sign a form so that I could get a BYU library card, which she did. After she signed it, she asked me what the topic was that I couldn't find books for and I told her (it's the history of the American Medical Assosiation by the way). She told me that they had a book for that, and offered to show me where it was. Not knowing how to tell her that I didn't want the book, I followed her over to the book shelf. She pulled a massive medical encyclopedia off of the shelf and dumped it in my arms, then told me that I couldn't check it out, and that I would have to read it there. Well I didn't even want the book in the first place so I just kind of set it awkwardly back on the shelf and walked towards the exit to make my speedy getaway.

Unfortunately, I was walking towards the emergency only exit and had to turn around, walk back past the librarian, and exit through the other door.

It was awkward.

(speaking of awkward, that's actually one of the few things I know how to say in sign language)

Lots of love,
Dani