dark room full of people, and lights flashing on the walls, the ceiling, people's faces. everyone is laughing, singing, dancing along with the music but i can't seem to say anything. so i stand awkwardly, too far away from you. i don't speak, you don't speak and we wait in silence until i am dragged away. i'm scared to make the first move, but scared that you won't, and i wish i could know what you're thinking.
how is it that you can be disappointed even if you have very low expectations?
but then i turn, you smile, you speak, we dance, we talk, we laugh, we hug, and when you walk away, i'm still smiling.
so why the fetch is this underlined huh? huh? does anyone know why? jerk!
well once upon a time there was this girl who had a blog. and she felt kind of bad because she never posted ever ever ever. so she decided to post even though she had nothing to say and no one probably read her blog anyways.
so here's my post.
time is pretty weird, don't you think? when you're little it takes forever. an hour took forever, a week was a lifetime, and anything longer than that... but the older i get, the faster time goes.
especially when i don't want it to.
like christmas break. i was pretty dang excited cuz it's a pretty long break, but now it's almost over. it kind of sucks.
everytime it rains
and i have a disgusting amount of homework that i need to do too.
Oh my goodness gracious it's Christmas break! And oh my goodness gracious Christmas is in 6 days! And oh my goodness gracious it doesn't feel anything like Christmas! I haven't bought a single Christmas gift (actually that's a lie. I bought one. And one white elephant gift.), I haven't watched any Christmas movies (actually that's a lie too. I watched two. And a half. But the half doesn't really count since I watched it in November.), and I have a mountain of homework instead of a mountain of snow.
(I just remembered, I also made one Christmas present. but I didn't pay for it, my mutti did.)
You see, here's my problem: I missed a bunch of school right before Christmas break so now it's a mad dash to get all of my make up work done on top of my for reals homework.
I read something once... And the author was wondering if maybe she was the only one in the world, and everything that has ever existed exists to somehow influence her life and what if all of the six billion people on the planet are just make believe unless she has some sort of connection with them, but she was the only real livingfeelingthinkingbreathing person out there. And she felt lonely. Because it's lonely to be the only one.
I have never thought this.
I think things like: There are six billion people out there carrying on with their lives and suffering and bleeding and hurting and loving and laughing and crying and talking about trivial things and winning the lottery and dropping pennies and wishing and wanting and hoping and dreaming and getting married and having babies and growing old and celebrating and smiling and singing and laughing and playing and dancing and not dancing or singing because as sad as it is there are people out there who don't do these things and wearing weird clothes and some wearing perfectly normal clothes and even remarkably stylish clothes and they're working and going to school and sleeping and eating and thinking and feeling and breathing and they have no idea that some 15 year old girl in Utah is wondering what their names are and who they are and what they're feeling. In fact, they are entirely oblivious to the fact that I even exist. I'm just part of that six billion.
Doesn't that make you feel so small and insignificant?
But then I also think that they all love and want to be loved, and everyone has the same basic needs and desires and I imagine them living their everyday lives that aren't that different from mine and I feel very close and connected to every single person on this planet, even though I don't know more than a very small handfull of people.
I'm so glad I'm not the only one out there, aren't you?
Do you wanna know what I just don't get? Why can't everyone just get along? Why can't we just be kind and friendly and loving to everyone? Why do people have to be so dang judgemental and intolerant? I just don't get it! Really I know some people who are just champion at this whole stereotyping thing. They seem to think that they can tell everything about someone by their appearance: their personality, values, thoughts, dreams, wishes, ambitions, or lack thereof. And man, if your appearance doesn't measure up, you lose all credit in their eyes. If your clothes are ugly, if your hair is weird, if you wear too much makeup or not enough makeup or are too tall or too short or too nerdy or too good at sports or in any way, shape, or form different, people judge you. If you have different beliefs or were raised differently, people judge you. Label you. Stereotype you.
I want a record player. Really really bad. And how about a typewriter too.
Um, can someone teach me to do my hair like this? Because I love it. I tried it once but it didn't quite work out.
I am so tired, you guys. It's not even funny (well maybe it is... yes it is, it's quite ridiculous actually). I skipped first period today because I was too busy sleeping. I used to do that all the time last year, but I actually have to be in class this year. Sometimes I just need a break though. Sometimes I'm tired of being strong and doing what I'm supposed to. So I don't.
Sometimes I get tired of being brave too, but I'm not quite there yet. I'll let you know when that happens and then you can hear all about my deepest darkest fears.
Speaking of fears: I have a deep emotional fear of the library at Lone Peak. I'm not sure what it is, I just am scared of it. I mean, I'm a big fan of libraries in general. I love books, and I love libraries because it's basically just a room full of books. I'm just scared of this particular library.
Well anyways, I had to go in the library at Lone Peak today because I needed the librarian to sign a form so that I could get a BYU library card, which she did. After she signed it, she asked me what the topic was that I couldn't find books for and I told her (it's the history of the American Medical Assosiation by the way). She told me that they had a book for that, and offered to show me where it was. Not knowing how to tell her that I didn't want the book, I followed her over to the book shelf. She pulled a massive medical encyclopedia off of the shelf and dumped it in my arms, then told me that I couldn't check it out, and that I would have to read it there. Well I didn't even want the book in the first place so I just kind of set it awkwardly back on the shelf and walked towards the exit to make my speedy getaway.
Unfortunately, I was walking towards the emergency only exit and had to turn around, walk back past the librarian, and exit through the other door.
It was awkward.
(speaking of awkward, that's actually one of the few things I know how to say in sign language)
I found a new favorite smell. Or should I say rediscovered? I've always maintained that the smell of a summer rainstorm on the hot, dry pavement is the best smell out there, but now I'm not so sure because the smell of a Christmas tree comes pretty dang close.
So I just have a question for you to ponder: Why is it that you can put question marks in labels, but not exclamation points?
I mean really why? Is it because they don't want you to use up your six exclamation points to quickly?
I have a friend that was asked to the Christmas dance. She used all six exclamation points when she was texting me about it.
post script: if you don't know about the six exclamation points ask Ms. Woolsey.
Remember how my old studio does the nutcracker every year? And remember how I always wanted to be the ballerina doll in the party scene? Oh you don't remember that? Well now you know.
Anyways, this year my company is doing a ballet number in our Christmas show (which is mostly just a combo show, with the companies showing off for the combo moms and bragging about how good their cute little combo kids can become if they stay in combo class and keep paying a million dollars for one hour a week), and guess what dance it happens to be? That's right, the doll scene from the Nutcracker. And guess what else? Yep that's right! Dani gets to be the ballerina doll! I'm so excited!
So you know what just drives me crazy? When I go to someone's blog and they haven't posted anything new. Which, you know, is very hypocritical because I don't actually post on my blog all that often. So I decided to post today. (like really post, not just put a quote or song or something on here...)
How am I you ask? Oh just the same as always. I'm completely exhausted (I fell asleep in physics yesterday), I have a enormous, overwhelming stack of homework to do, my room is a wreck but I'm to busy/tired/lazy to clean it, I wore an ugly sweater on monday, I haven't brushed my hair for 2 days, and we have no macaroni and cheese (Really? What am I even supposed to eat if we have no macaroni and cheese?).
I'm pretty peachy.
I passed a math test today! Are you proud of me? I'm pretty sure I passed anyways, I knew how to do at least 90% of the problems which is more than I was expecting.
Feel free to applaud. Or bring me cookies or something.
Oh just kidding, I don't expect you to bring me cookies! But you can, you know, if you really want to...
Ooh, ooh, guess what, guess what? We got our Christmas tree! And it smells so good!!! It's not blue this year though... For those of you who don't know, last year we had a blue Christmas tree, no lie! It was a real tree too, not a fake one - a blue spruce. I called it our Utah tree because the blue spruce is Utah's state tree or something like that... Oh gosh I love Christmas so much!
I doo-oo-oo! (That was Regina Spektor, for those of you who can't hear me singing...)
You know what, why don't you take some pictures before you go?