In the Desert

By Stephen Crane

 

 

In the desert

I saw a creature, naked, bestial,

Who, squatting upon the ground,

Held his heart in his hands,

And ate of it.

I said, “Is it good, friend?”

“It is bitter—bitter,” he answered;

“But I like it

“Because it is bitter,

“And because it is my heart.”

How old is your soul?

I've been thinking a lot lately, but I'm not sure how to get those thoughts to come down from my brain and out through my mouth or my fingers.  I hear things and read things and see things that make me feel things that make me think things, but none of those things ever seem to come together in just the right way.

But maybe they don't have to fit perfectly.

I've been thinking about love.  I've been thinking about how you can love someone, but one day you can turn around and discover that you don't really love them at all anymore.  Or how sometimes you love someone, but that doesn't mean you want them around all the time.  Or how other times you love someone so much that you don't care what they do.

You just love them.

I've been thinking about wishing.  I've been thinking about wishing so bad for something that never happens.  I've been thinking about dreams that are never realized, but also about dreams that are.  I've been thinking about prayers that are answered.

I've been thinking about growing.  I've been thinking about how we never stop growing, and how I hope we're growing more understanding, more confident, and more compassionate, rather than more judgmental, more insecure, and more uncaring.

I've been thinking about fear.  I've been thinking about all of the things that I swore I wouldn't be afraid of anymore, and realizing that no matter how hard I try, I'll still be afraid.

I've been thinking about how that's okay, because after all, I'm only human.

I've been thinking about symbols, motifs, and themes, but I've also been thinking about derivatives and how the sine of pi/2 is one.

I've been thinking about how I've spent so much time thinking that I haven't had much time to do anything else.

It's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off.

You're using your headphones to drown out your mind.

When you don't wear shoes you build calluses on your feet; metal strings build calluses on your fingers; and monkey bars, gymnastics, and waterskiing build calluses on your palms.

That's one of those things I can't stop thinking about, just like iced lavender, that kid playing kumbayah on the piano, salt and vinegar potato chips, lace tablecloths, emoticons, and Matthew McConaughey.

I have a new wish.  I would tell you all about it but then it won't come true.

Welcome to the planet.

With love, Dani

Rococo

I'm not really sure what to say about everything, so I think I'll just let everything speak for itself.  My words wouldn't do it justice anyways.

It's like watching the kid you don't know but you wish you did, or the one you do know but not very well.

It's like knowing that 10 years ago you were just like that little girl, and that your mother was in 1977 and that little Russian lady was in 1914.  That the little boy who said "to hell with the Kaiser" meant it because probably his brother or his dad were killed.

It's like loving the boy who wears Nike and likes to dance and the girl who drinks her coffee in first period and cries on New Years Day, like the boy who wears plaid pants and the one who braids your hair.  It's like loving someone you have never spoken to, only because that girl you used to know was in love with him.

But it's also like loving the girl with the 80s sweater who calls you by your last name or the tall boy who always says hi.

It's like how Charlie read The Catcher in the Rye so that he wouldn't feel like crying, but that's the book that made me cry in the first place.

It's like when people take things seriously that are mostly just a joke.

It's like listening to the same song 5 times in a row and you're still not sick of it.

"Using great big words that they don’t understand."

With love,

Dani

This is the first blog post of the year.

It comes after the first sunday dinner, after the first hug and after the first slow dance, but before the first journal entry, before the first cry and before the end of the world.

I feel like I should have more to say but I guess I don't.


New years resolution: I will do better in school, because we all need to do better in school.

New years resolution: I will make new friends.

New years resolution: I will not be afraid.

Twenty-two things about me.

One for each year plus six extra.  Eleven plus eleven*.

one.  I believe in love at first sight.

two.  I hate when my bedroom door is open.

three.  I like sentences that are short, snappy, and to the point.

four.  I love beginnings, but am terrified of endings.

five.  I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

six.  I wish on shooting stars.

seven.  I believe that everything happens for a reason.

eight.  I pretend to know more than I really do.

nine.  Rain is my favorite smell in the world.

ten.  I love things that are a bit quirky and different.

eleven.  I love words.

twelve.  I used to wonder what it would be like to be an inanimate object.

thirteen.  I am a procrastinator.

fourteen.  I love old-fashioned things.

fifteen.  I like my marshmallows golden brown, not burnt.

sixteen.  I would rather wear a dress than pants.

seventeen.  I sing 2nd alto.

eighteen.  I'm a people-watcher.

nineteen.  I love stars.

twenty.  I write with sharpies and expo markers.

twenty-one.  I don't approve of wide ruled paper.

twenty-two.  If I sleep on my hair wet it won't be dry in the morning.


Do something crazy just because you can.
And I mean like, really crazy.

Love and kisses,
Dani

*Can I wish on that?  Please bless...

It's only half past the point of no return*

I have little burns on all of my finger tips and on the tip of my tongue.  I have two new zits that weren't there when I went to bed last night and a chip on my fingernail.  I have a little hollow place inside of my heart that I'm trying to fill with love and laughter and words and hugs but it doesn't stay full.

I have scars on my skin and my soul but I also have a little smirk on my mouth because even though you won't say so, I think we might be more than friends.

I have songs stuck in my head and on my lips and on my fingers and on my toes but I think I'll keep them there.  I have brains in my head and feet in my shoes, and moonlight bleeding from out of my soul and words melting on my tongue.

I like the way they taste.

I have the touch of your hands on mine and the feel of your head on my shoulder even though you're not there anymore.  I have butterflies in my stomach and goosebumps on my arms and legs and the back of my neck.

Only they're the good kind of goosebumps.  The kind where I'm excited and nervous at the same time.

"Who'd have known
when you flash up on my phone
I no longer feel alone."


Love and kisses,
Dani

*I definitely checked my watch to figure that one out.  I may have even done a few quick calculations.  Because, you know... that's completely relevant...